Tuesday, October 28, 2014

On Trying to Start a Family

Wow. I can't believe I am finally ready to write this post. I never thought this day would come. I have started this post so many times and was too afraid to be vulnerable and share what we have gone through. Several interesting things have happened this week that have led me to this point of wanting to share my story. I hope this helps those who are going through similar issues, I am a firm believer that sharing experiences is one of the human characteristics we posses as a species  that creates connections to keep us thriving. Through this post I am hoping to make some connections and help someone else on their journey.

I always cry in this movie now. Always. 

Zack and I were first pregnant six months after we were married, October 2012. We were on birth control so the surprise came at a time that was very unexpected. I remember seeing that pregnant word on the test and having a whole flush of emotions sweep over. At first I was scared, I had no idea how to be a mom, raise a child, etc. Then I was happy, thrilled we would be parents and we would get to have a baby. Then I was sad, worried I would do something wrong, angry, craving pickles and eating a whole jar at once (I really did this). I was truly pregnant. It was an incredible feeling. We found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks. We called the doctor and set up an appointment four weeks out. Things were going great and then they weren't. 2 weeks before the doctors appointment, the day after thanksgiving my cramps started. I freaked out, I didn't know what to do. I cried, I was scared I would loose the baby. We went to the Emergency Room, they confirmed our worst fears. I had indeed miscarried. I remember looking at the ultra sound seeing a blurb in my uterus that was supposed to be the child but there was no heart beat, no growth. At 8 weeks a heart beat should have been strong, but there was no sound. I cried some more. 8 hours later we left the hospital with a new medical bill and no baby. I was devastated and heart broken. I literally couldn't do anything, it was all I could do to get out of bed the next day and shower. I cried in the shower. The doctor told me what to look for as my period progressed and that if I didn't pass on my own then I would have to have a D & C (a medical procedure not scriptures). When they took my blood levels the HCG (pregnancy hormone count) was pretty high still, so they were concerned my body wouldn't pass the baby on its own. On Monday I was supposed to go in and get blood work done, but I woke up Sunday and  knew it was all over. I just knew. Sure enough my HCG levels were 0 and I had miscarried. 
The healing process began, I told friends and family, let everyone know what happened. I tried to avoid the old ladies at church who kept asking me when we were having a baby, I just smiled and walked away as quickly as I could. I held my husbands hand through it all, I leaned on him. I knew it was my fault, I knew I was a terrible person that I wasn't fit to be a mother. These were all the things I told myself over and over and over. I believed it. (Depression, more on that later). I couldn't get out of the rut. Finally I woke up one day and just looked at the roof over my head, I said "Caitlin, you can be miserable like this for the rest of your life if you want, but pick your self up lets go at it again." For some reason, it worked and that is what I did. 
We tried again, starting in January of 2013 and didn't get pregnant again until December of 2013. Three weeks before Christmas I took the test and there was the sign again, Pregnant. This time i was a little more cautious. I called my doctor, they said to come in the week of Christmas. Again, I never made it to that appointment. I miscarried a week before Christmas. This one was particularly hard for me. My cousin announced to the family that his wife was pregnant on Christmas Day. I spent the rest of the day crying in the other room while my family opened presents. My mom came and sat by me. She cried with me. Again I healed, and right around the time I came to terms with the second miscarriage I was pregnant. Again. 
This was April, 2014. I was excited, I told Zack and he didn't believe me. I don't blame him, after having that loss I was skeptical too. I was around 4 weeks pregnant this time. It was general conference weekend for the LDS church and the first Saturday session started, the cramping began and by the end of the day I knew what had happened. I cried all conference weekend (Saturday and Sunday), and all the next week. I couldn't believe that this happened to me three times in a row. 3. Again I immediately blamed myself, saying God didn't think I was fit to be a mother, saying I made to many past mistakes that he wouldn't bless me with a child, etc. This thoughts were warped, untrue things I often think about myself because of depression. 
When I was younger I never imagined that this would be one of my trials. I always pictured myself having babies and being able to be a mother when I wanted to. I try to make sense of it all. I try to understand why I had to go through this. 
This week I posted on my Facebook that I was having a hard time with my loss, even months after the last one had happened. I decided then that I will never get over it. A dear friend of mine from high school posted on that feed that she had a miscarriage and because of that was able to connect with a woman in her ward going through the same thing.
Tonight I learned that an old coworker of mine had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. In that instant I knew why I experienced all my trials. I was able to share my feelings with her, in a small way, help her. But mainly I knew that the reason I went through all of this was to give me experience, It was to help refine me, to teach me to be grateful for the life I have had. To teach me that it wasn't my fault, I did everything in my power that I could.  And above all it was to teach me to love. You truly never know what someone is going through in life and it is important not to judge. Be kind, everyone we meet is fighting a battle in some way or another.
Zack and I are trying to get pregnant again, we have some answers from the doctors, they think it may just be a simple cause do to a hormone imbalance. If that is the cause its an easy fix and that would be wonderful.
I am so blessed to have Zack by my side. So blessed I can lean on him and he is okay with me crying for an entire weekend, he'll be there for me to wipe the tears away. He's so strong due to things he has been through and I love him for that.
For those of you who are suffering from infertility remember its not your fault, you are loved, and most importantly that you are a child of God. I think this is the most important truth to remember during trials, that you have God on your side and he will take care of you.
Thanks for reading and letting me share this with you.


  1. Caitin, I am deeply sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine the pain you have faced.
    I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and we weren't sure if I could ever get pregnant let alone carry a baby to term. I totally understand the pain of not being able to have a baby. I have spent many nights in tears on my knees. We did several rounds of fertility drugs and hormone replacement medications. We are so very blessed to have our little boy, but the future is still so unknown for us. We may not be able to conceive again or we may miscarry due to my hormones. I am touched by your honesty and inspired by your strength. Best of luck to you in beginning your family. It will all be worth it in the end. I know heavenly father has a plan for us, even if it isn't our plan.

  2. Hey Caitlin! I love reading your blog. I know that from serving with you on our missions you well deserve to be a mother and all the blessings you seek. I've got such admiration for your strength, and I hope and pray with all my heart your dreams to start your family will come true. I'm going to fast for you guys and keep you in my prayers. Thanks for sharing this, I know it must have been very hard to share... Heavenly Father is watching over you, and I know he loves you. You are His princess. :)

  3. Hey Caitlin! You don't know me very well, but I am Zack's cousin. I have never suffered a miscarriage, but it took us 3 years to get pregnant. During that time, I watched so many of my closest friends and family get pregnant, have babies, and get pregnant again. That time in my life was probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Every time I would hear about someone's joy I felt guilty because I hated it. I hated that they could all have something I couldn't. Baby showers were torture. I can't even tell you how many times I took a hot bath and bawled my eyes out. The burden never really got any easier, but my perspective changed from time to time. I'm grateful for my little miracle, and I pray that the treatments your doctor has planned work for you. Please get my number from Rose if you ever need to talk!